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This
Week's Coffee
Break
April 8, 2007 |
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Welcome friends,
Happy Easter! Our Easter page is open and packed
with everything Easter. A very good place to
visit.
I hope you enjoy this week's Coffee
Break. Your participation is welcome and invited,
so send us your jokes, trivia, things to ponder, tips and
noteworthy items. If you have a suggestion of
something you would like to see here, be sure to
let us know that, too.
Take care, stay in
touch, and be happy,
Joanne
Your San Francisco
Bay Area Real Estate Broker
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| Pulic Service Announcements
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Pet-food recall expands; FDA still stumped
The recall of wet and dry pet foods contaminated with
a chemical found in plastics and pesticides expanded
Saturday even as investigators were puzzled why the
substance would kill dogs and cats.
Nestlé Purina PetCare Co. said it
was recalling all sizes and varieties of its
Alpo Prime Cuts in Gravy wet dog food
with specific date codes. Purina said a limited amount
of the food contained a contaminated wheat gluten from
China.
The same U.S. supplier also provided wheat gluten,
a protein source, to a Canadian company, Menu
Foods, which last month recalled 60 million
containers of wet dog and cat food it produces for sale
under nearly 100 brand labels.
Menu Foods and the Food and Drug Administration,
which regulates the pet-food industry, have refused to
identify the company that supplied the contaminated
wheat gluten.
Hill's Pet Nutrition said late
Friday that its Prescription Diet m/d Feline dry
cat food included the tainted wheat gluten. The
FDA said the source was the same unidentified company.
Hill's, a division of Colgate-Palmolive Co., is
so far the only company to recall any dry pet food.
Meanwhile, experts said Saturday that a greater
sensitivity of cats to a chemical found in plastics and
pesticides could explain why they've died in larger
numbers than dogs.
The small number of confirmed reports of pet deaths
bolstered by a far larger number of unconfirmed
anecdotal reports suggests cats were more susceptible to
poisoning by the chemical melamine that tainted the now
recalled pet food, officials with the FDA and American
Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals said
Saturday.
"I am concerned we have a situation where we have a
sensitive species, and it is the cat," said Steven
Hansen, a veterinary toxicologist and director of the
ASPCA's Animal Poison Control center in Urbana, Ill.
Testing by the FDA and Cornell University has found
melamine in samples of recalled pet food as well as in
crystal form in the urine and kidney tissue of dead
cats.
They've also found the chemical, in apparently raw
form in concentrations as high as 6.6 percent, in wheat
gluten used in the recalled cat and dog foods, said
Stephen Sundlof, the FDA's chief veterinarian.
Sundlof and others have not been able to explain
why the chemical would have caused the kidney failure
seen in the roughly 16 confirmed pet deaths, all but one
in cats. There are anecdotal reports of hundreds more
pet deaths.
FDA Alerts
FDA Pet Food Recall
List and Latest Information
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Now, this weeks
Goodies ... |
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This will make you smile! ~ Thanks to Ms.
Florence Pierson
Easter
Goats
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M & Ms ~ Thanks to A
Prairie Home Companion Newsletter
What's the Freudian diagnosis for a Plain
M&M?
Peanuts envy.
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Easter Funnies #1 ~ Thanks to Mr. Jim
Knudsen & Mr. John
Lopez
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Immutable Laws of the universe ~ Thanks to
Ms. Linda Jo Bruton
Law of Mechanical
Repair:
After your hands become coated with
grease,your nose will begin to itch, or you'll have to
pee.
Law of
Probability:
The probability of being watched is
directly proportional to the stupidity of
your act.
Law of the
Telephone:
If you dial a wrong number, you never get
a busy signal.
Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you
were in will start to move faster than the
one you are in now (works every
time).
Law of the
Bath:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the
telephone rings.
Law of Close
Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you
know increases when you are with someone you
don't want to be seen with.
Law of the
Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a
machine won't work, it will.
Law of
Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely
proportional to the
reach.
Law of the
Theatre:
At any event, the people whose seats are
furthest from the aisle arrive last.
Murphy's Law of
Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker
room, they will have adjacent
lockers.
Law of Rugs
and/or Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jelly
sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are
directly correlated to the newness and cost of the
carpet/rug.
Law of Logical
Argument:
Anything is possible if you don't know what
you are talking about.
Oliver's Law:
A
closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson's Law:
As
soon as you find a product that you really like, they
will stop making it.
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Easter
Funnies #2 ~ Thanks to Mr. Jim Knudsen & Mr. John
Lopez
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The Tomato Garden ~
Thanks to Ms. Barbara
Jones
An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He
wanted to dig his tomato garden but it was very hard
work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincenzo, who
used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote
a letter to his son and described his
predicament.
Dear Vincenzo,
I am feeling pretty bad because
it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato
garden this year. I am getting too old to be digging
up a garden plot. If you were here, my troubles would
be over. I know you would dig the garden for
me.
Love, Papa
A few days later he received a letter from
his son.
Dear Papa,
I'd do anything for you Papa,
except dig up that garden. That's where I buried the
bodies.
Love, Vinnie
At 4 am the next morning, FBI and local
police arrived and dug up the entire area without
finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and
left. The same day the old man received another letter
from his son.
Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes
now. That's the best I could do under the
circumstances.
Love, Vinnie
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Big ethical dilemma ~
Thanks to Mr. Richard DeBiaso
Upon seeing an
elderly lady for the drafting of her will, the attorney
charged her $100.
She gave him a
$100 bill, not noticing that it was stuck to another
$100 bill.
On
seeing the two bills stuck together, the ethical
question came to the attorney's mind: "Do I tell my
partner?"
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Easter
Funnies #3 ~ Thanks to Mr. Jim Knudsen & Mr. John
Lopez
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Who is Jack Schitt? ~ Thanks
to Ms. Cathy Mills
For some time many of us have wondered just who
is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when
someone says, YOU DONT KNOW JACK SCHITT! Well
Thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in
an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son
of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer
magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N.
Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe
Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six
children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull
Schitt, and the twins Deep and Dip
Schitt.
Against her parents objections,
Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school
dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack
and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married
Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with
them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She
was then known as Noe Schitt
Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married
Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather
nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of
the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt,
were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently
married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the
Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt Happens
children were Dawg, Byrd, and
Horse.
Bull Schitt the prodigal son,
left home to tour the world. He recently returned
from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa
Schitt.
Now when someone says, YOU DONT
KNOW JACK SCHITT, you can correct
them.
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt
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Easter
Funnies #4 ~ Thanks to Mr. Jim Knudsen & Mr. John
Lopez
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Windows ~ Thanks to Ms. Barbara Jones, a natural
blonde
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with
those expensive, double-pane energy efficient
kind. Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor
who installed them. He was complaining that the
windows had been installed a whole year ago and I had
not paid for them yet.
Hellloooo? Now just because I'm blonde doesn't
mean that I am automatically stupid. So I told him
just exactly what his fast-talking sales guy had told ME
last year... namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows
would pay for themselves! Helllooooo"? (I told
him). "It's been a year"!
There was only silence at the other end of the line,
so I finally just hung up.... He hasn't called back,
probably too embarrassed about forgetting the guarantee
they made me.
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Bloned Pole Dancer ~ Thanks to Ms. Barbara Jones,
a natural blonde
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The Cost of Tomatores, Maids &
Gardeners ~ Thanks to Mr. JIm Ward
From an American school teacher - - -
"As you listen to the news about the student
protests over illegal immigration there are some things
that you should be aware of: I am in charge of the
English-as-a-second-language department at a large
southern California high school which is designated a
Title 1 school, meaning that its students average lower
socio-economic and income levels.
Most of the schools you are hearing about-South
Gate High, Bell Gardens, Huntington Park, etc.- where
these students are protesting, are also Title 1 schools.
One hundred percent of the students in this school
and other Title 1 schools are on the free breakfast and
free lunch program. When I say free breakfast I'm not
talking a glass of milk and roll --but a full breakfast
and cereal bar with fruits and juices that would make a
Marriott proud.
The waste of this food is monumental, with
trays and trays of it being dumped in the trash uneaten.
(OUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK)
I estimate that well over 50% of these students
are obese or at least moderately overweight. About 75%
or more DO have cell phones.
The school also provides day care centers for
the unwed teenage pregnant girls (some as young as 13)
so they can attend class without the inconvenience of
having to arrange for babysitters or having family watch
their kids. (OUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK)
I was ordered to spend $700,000 on my department or
risk losing funding for the upcoming year even though
there was little need for anything; my budget was
already substantial.
I ended up buying new computers for the
computer learning center; half of which, one month
later, have been carved with graffiti by the
appreciative students who obviously feel humbled and
grateful to have a free education in America. (OUR TAX
DOLLARS AT WORK)
I have had to intervene several times for young
and substitute teachers whose classes consist of many
illegal immigrant students here in the country less then
3 months who raised so much hell with the female
teachers, calling them "Putas"(whores) and throwing
things that the teachers were in tears.
Free medical, free education, free food, day care
etc., etc., etc. Is it any wonder they feel entitled to
not only be in this country but to demand rights,
privileges and entitlements?
To my bleeding-heart friends who want to point out
how much these illegal immigrants contribute to our
society because they LIKE their gardener and housekeeper
and they like to pay less for tomatoes : spend s ome
time in the real world of illegal immigration and see
the TRUE costs.
Higher insurance, Medical facilities closing,
higher medical costs, more crime, lower standards of
education in our schools, overcrowding, new diseases
etc., etc., etc. As for me, I'd be glad to pay more for
my tomatoes.
We need to wake up. The guest worker program will
be a disaster because we won't have the guts to enforce
it.
Does anyone in their right mind really think they
will voluntarily leave and return?
There are many hardworking Hispanic/American
citizens that contribute to our country and many that I
consider my true friends. We should encourage and accept
those Hispanics who have done it the right and legal
way.
It does, however, have everything to do with
culture: A third-world culture that does not value
education, that accepts children getting pregnant and
dropping out of school by 15 and that refuses to
assimilate, and an American culture that has become so
weak and worried about "politically correct" that we
don't have the will to do anything about it."
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Easter Funnies #5 ~ Thanks to Mr. Jim Knudsen
& Mr. John Lopez
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SURPRISE! ~
Thanks to Mr. Clayton
Barry
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Easter Funnies #5 ~ Thanks to Mr. Jim Knudsen
& Mr. John Lopez
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Irish Trains
~ Thanks to Mr. Jim Ward
The following is an exchange of correspondence
between a customer and the Irish Railway Company -
Larnrod Eireann.
Gentlemen,
I have been riding your trains daily for the last two
years, and the service on your line seems to be getting
worse every day. I am tired of standing in
the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I
think the transportation system is worse than that
enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan
Dear Mr. Finnegan,
We received your letter with reference to the
shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat
confused in your history. The only mode of
transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
Sincerely,
Larnrod Eireann.
Gentlemen,
I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are
the ones who are confused in your history. If you
will refer to the Bible and the Book of David, 9th
Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his
ass. That, gentlemen, is something I have not been
able to do on your train in the last two years!
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan
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| Picture of the Week - Thanks to Mr. Skip
Munson |
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Would you fly in this?
Even though the
Aeroscraft dwarfs the largest commercial airliners, it
requires less net space on the ground than any plane
because it doesn't need a runway. The airship takes off
and lands like a helicopter: straight up and down.
This is not a
Blimp. It's a sort of flying Queen Mary 2 that could
change the way you think about air travel. It's the
Aeroscraft, and when it's completed, it will ferry
pampered passengers across continents and oceans as they
stroll leisurely about the one-acre cabin or relax in
their well-appointed staterooms.
Unlike its
dirigible ancestors, the Aeroscraft is not lighter than
air. Its 14 million cubic feet of helium hoist only
two-thirds of the craft's weight. The rigid and
surprisingly aerodynamic body - driven by huge rearward
propellers - generates enough additional lift to keep
the behemoth and its 400-ton payload aloft while
cruising. During takeoff and landing, six turbofan jet
engines push the ship up or ease its descent.
This two
football-fields-long concept airship is the brainchild
of Igor Pasternak, whose privately funded California
firm, Worldwide Aeros Corporation, is in the early
stages of developing a prototype and expects to have one
completed by 2010.
Pasternak says
several cruise ship companies have expressed interest in
the project, and for good reason: The craft would have a
range of several thousand miles and, with an estimated
top speed of 174 mph, could traverse the continental
U.S. In about 18 hours. During the flight, passengers
would peer at national landmarks just 8,000 feet below
or, if they weren't captivated by the view, the
cavernous interior would easily accommodate such
amenities as luxury staterooms, restaurants, even a
casino.
To minimize
noise, the aft-mounted propellers will be electric,
powered by a renewable source such as hydrogen fuel
cells. A sophisticated buoyancy-management system will
serve the same purpose as trim on an airplane, allowing
for precise adjustments in flight dynamics to compensate
for outside conditions and passenger movement. The
automated system will draw outside air into compartments
throughout the ship and compress it to manage onboard
weight. 
On a
pressurized plane, windows like these would explode
outward. The Aeroscraft does not fly high enough to need
pressurization.
The company
envisions a cargo-carrying version that could deliver a
store's worth of merchandise from a centralized
distribution center straight to a Wal-Mart parking lot
or, because the helium-filled craft will float, a year's
worth of supplies to an offshore oil rig. "You can land
on the snow, you can land on the water," Pasternak says.
"It's a new vision of what can be done in the air."
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I hope you enjoyed this issue of
Coffee Break. Your comments and suggestions
are always welcome. When you come
across something funny or informative and in good
taste, please send it along. I would love
to include it with your name and our
thanks.
Be sure to visit our Easter page.
I leave you to ponder what a good
friend of mine shared with me: "The happiest of
people don't necessarily have the best of everything;
they just make the best of everything that comes along
their way."
Make it a good week, be happy and and come
back soon.
Joanne
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Joanne L. Gardiner,
Broker
e-PRO Realtor®
Advantage
Realty
Clock Tower Commerce
Center
3205 Whipple
Road
Union City, California 94587
(510)
429-4800 |
Our
primary services in the San
Francisco Bay Area are: East
bay real estate, Hayward real
estate, Castro Valley real estate, Danville
real estate, Dublin real estate, Fremont real
estate, Newark real estate, Niles real
estate, Pleasanton real estate, San Leandro
real estate, San Lorenzo real estate, San Ramon
real estate, Sunol real estate and Union
City real estate. Peninsula real
estate, Palo Alto real estate, Foster City
real estate, San Mateo real estate, San Carlos real
estate, Burlingame real estate, Belmont real estate,
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Types of real estate in
which we specialize: houses,
condominiums, townhomes, garden homes, PUDs, single
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properties. | |
