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Coffee
Break 94
March 4,
2007 |
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Welcome
friends,
To those of
you who have donated, thank you from the bottom of my
heart. If  you have
not yet done so, please consider the good
your donation will do. My daughter
Leanne really needs folks like you to get on
her team by making a donation to the Leukemia and
Lymphoma Society. While she has raised more than $4,000, she
only has until March 14th to meet her goal of
$6,100.
Please help
by making a tax deductible donation of any amount. 75% of her goal goes
toward patient services and research for finding a
cure. It will be greatly
appreciated not only by Leanne and me, but
especially by those stricken with these dread
diseases. I hope you're
thinking Okay, you've convinced me. I'll make a
donation now.
Don't
forget we welcome your participation
in Coffee Break. Send us your jokes, trivia, things
to ponder, tips and noteworthy items. If you have a suggestion of something you
would like to see here, be sure to let us know
that, too.
Take care and stay
in touch,
Joanne
Your San Francisco Bay Area
Real Estate Broker
P.S.
Our St. Patrick's
Day page is open for your
enjoyment.
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| Pulic Service
Announcement ... |
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Does Your Water Have Chloramine In It?
Chloramine
in Drinking Water Across the U.S.A.
Is it safe?
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The Hayward
City Council will hold a public hearing on Tuesday,
March 6 at 8 PM at City Hall, 777 B Street. For
more information re: the project you can go to the
City of Hayward website www.ci.hayward.ca.us and
access the Planning Commission's
webpage.
Learn More about the proposed Hayward Power Plant
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Now, this weeks
Goodies ... |
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The Zipper ~ Thanks to Mr.
Clayton Barry
In a
crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman
wearing a tight leather skirt was waiting for a
bus.
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to
get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to
allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step
of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick
smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip
her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her
enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take
the step, only to discover that she couldn't.
So, a little more
embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip
her skirt a little more, and for the second time
attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she
could not raise her leg. With
a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind
to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the
step.
About this time, a large Texan who was
standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist
and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went
ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and
screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even
know you!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well,
ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you
unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was
friends."
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Tech Romance ~ Thanks to Mr. Jim Ward
Dear Tech Support,
Last
year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and
noticed a distinct slow down in overall system
performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry
applications, which operated
flawlessly under
Boyfriend 5.0.
In
addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable
programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5
and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0,
NBA 30, and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer
runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems,
but to no avail.
What
can I do?
Signed,
Desperate
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Dear
Desperate:
First
keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package,
while Husband 1.0 is an Operating
System.
Please
enter the command: "http: I Thought You Loved Me.html"
and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to
install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works
as designed, Husband 10 should then automatically run
the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers
3.5.
But
remember, overuse of the above application can cause
Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour
7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that
will download the Snoring Loudly
Beta.
Whatever
you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a
virus in the background that will eventually seize
control of all your system resources). Also, do not
attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These
are unsupported applications and will crash Husband
1.0.
In
summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does
have limited memory and cannot learn new applications
quickly. You might consider buying additional software
to improve memory and
performance. We recommend
Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good
Luck,
Tech
Support
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Old Penny Postcards ~ Thanks to Mr. Skip
Munson
What
a great website! Somebody put a lot of work into
this one. Check it out ...
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Catholic Humor ~ Thanks to Mr. Jim
Ward
The elderly priest,
speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good
idea to replace the first four rows of pews with plush
bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front
of the church always fills first now."
The young
priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you
told me a little more beat to the music would bring
young people back to the church, so I supported you when
you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. We are
packed to the balcony!"
"Thank you, Father,"
answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are
open to the new ideas of youth."
"However," said the
elderly priest, "I'm afraid You've gone too far with the
drive-thru confessional."
"But, Father,
protested the young priest, "my confessions and the
donations have nearly doubled since I began that!"
"I know, son, but that flashing neon sign, Toot
'n Tell or Go to Hell," just can't stay on the
Church Roof.
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The
Shuttle ~ Thanks to Ms. Barbara
Jones
The
Shuttle Launch, as seen from the (ISS)
International Space Station. The Space Station
happened to be passing by when the Shuttle launched last
month.
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Two Old Ladies ~ Thanks to Mr. John
Lopez
Two old ladies are outside their nursing
home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to
rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off
the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues
smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't
get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the
local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she
wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist,
obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely
(she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very
delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a
Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.
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Irish personal ads ~ Thanks to Mr.
Jim Ward
How can you
possibly not love the Irish? These were actual "Personal
Ads" in the Dublin News:
Heavy drinker, 35, Cork
area. Seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in a man who
loves his pints, cigarettes, Glasgow Celtic Football
Club and has been known to start fights on Patrick
Street at three o'clock in the morning.
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Bitter, disillusioned Dublin
man, lately rejected by longtime fiancie, seeks decent,
honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in
this cruel world of hatchet-faced hags.
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Ginger haired Galway man, a
troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and shitty after a few
scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail
purposes, maybe more.
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Bad
tempered, foul-mouthed old coot, living in a damp
cottage in the arse end of Roscommon, seeks attractive
21 year old blonde lady, with a lovely chest.
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Limerick man, 27, medium build,
brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of
February 27 between 8 PM and 11:30 PM.
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Optimistic Mayo man, 35, seeks a blonde 20 year
old double-jointed super model, who owns her own
brewery, and has an open-minded twin sister.
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Walking to
School ~ Thanks to Ms. Barbara
Jones
A mom was
concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school.
He didn't want his mother to walk with him. She wanted
to give him the feeling that he had some independence
but yet know that he was safe.
So she had an idea
of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor if she would
please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at
a distance, so he probably wouldn't notice
her.
She said that since she was up early with
her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them
to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.
The
next school day, the neighbor and her little girl set
out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with
another neighbor boy he knew. She did this for the
whole week.
As the boys walked and chatted,
kicking stones and twigs, Timmy's little friend noticed
the same lady was following them as she seemed to
do every day all week. Finally he said to Timmy,
"Have you noticed that lady following us to school
all week? Do you know her?"
Timmy nonchalantly
replied, "Yeah, I know who she is."
The friend
said, "Well, who is she?"
"That's just Shirley
Goodnest," Timmy replied, "and her daughter
Marcy."
"Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she
and why is she following us? "
"Well," Timmy
explained, "every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd
Psalm
with my prayers, 'cuz she worries about me so
much. And in the Psalm, it says, 'Shirley Goodnest and
Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life', so I
guess I'll just have to get used to it!"
May
Shirley Goodnest and Marcy be with you today and
always.
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Two Old Gals ~ Thanks to Ms.
Florence Pierson
Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out
for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and
I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my
answer."
Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my
apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a
gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such
beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and
what's there but a luxury car ... a limousine, uniformed
chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner ... a
marvelous dinner ... lobster, champagne, dessert, and
after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell
you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just
died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to
my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely
crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his
way with me two times!"
Dorothy: "Goodness gracious! ... so you are telling
me I shouldn't go out with him?"
Edna: "No, no, no ... I'm just saying, wear an old
dress."
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First
Class ~ Thanks to Mr. Jim
Knudsen
A plane is on its way to houston when a blonde in
economy class gets up and moves to the first class
section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her
do this and asks to see her ticket. she then tells the
blonde that she paid for economy class and that she will
have to sit in the back.
The blonde replies, "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, I'm
going to houston and I'm staying right
here."
The flight attendant goes
into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot
that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class that
belongs in economy and won't move back to her
seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde
and tries to explain that because she only paid for
economy she will have to leave and return to her
seat.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm
beautiful, I'm going to houston and I'm staying right
here."
The co-pilot tells the pilot that
he probably should have the police waiting when they
land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to
reason.
The pilot says, "you say she
is a blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde.
I speak blonde."
He goes back to the
blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm
sorry." and she gets up and goes back to her seat in
economy.
The flight attendant and
co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make
her move without any fuss.
I told her, "first class isn't going to
Houston."
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Life Lesson: One Day at a
Time ~ Thanks to
Mr. Jim Knudsen
Two patients limp into two different American medical
clinics with the same complaint. Both have
trouble walking and appear to require a hip
replacement.
The first patient is examined within the hour, is
x-rayed the same day, has a time booked for surgery the
next day and, within two days, is home recuperating.
The second sees the family doctor after waiting a
week for an appointment, then waits eighteen weeks to
see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't
reviewed for another month and finally has his surgery
scheduled for 6 months from
then. Why the different
treatment for the two patients?
The first is a Golden Retriever.
The second is a Senior Citizen.
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On Line ~ Thanks to Mr. Richard DeBiaso
A study
conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry as revealed
that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man
can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual
cycle.
For example: If she is ovulating, she is
attracted to men with rugged and masculine
features.
However, if she is menstruating, or
menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with
duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest
while he is on fire.
No further studies are
expected.
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The
Nail ~ Thanks to Mr. Jim Knudsen
Amy, a blonde
city girl, marries a Colorado rancher.
One morning, on
his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to
Amy,"The insemination man is coming over impregnate one
of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just
above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where
the cow is when he gets here, OK?" So then the rancher
leaves for the fields.
After a while,
the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on
the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They
walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail,
she tells him, "This is the one...right here."
Terribly
impressed by what he seemed to think just might be
another ditzy, city blonde, the man asks, "Tell me lady,
how did you know this is the cow to be bred?"
"That's simple.
By the nail over its stall." Amy explains very
confidently.
Then the man
asks, "What's the nail for?"
She turns and
walks away, and with complete confidence, says, "I guess
it's to hang your pants on."
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| Picture of the Week - Thanks to Mr. Jim
Knudsen |
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Jorn Olsen works
for the Dutton-Lainson Company in Hastings, NE,
and lives by Heartwell Park next to Hastings College.
The stadium lights are at the Hastings College stadium
just east of his home. The clouds are called Mammatus
clouds. They do not precede a tornado, or foretell a
storm, but are formed when the air is already saturated
with rain droplets and/or ice crystals and begins to
sink. The worst of the storm is usually over
when these kind of clouds are seen. They are quite rare,
but really beautiful.
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Thank you for being
with us in this new year. Your contributions make
this page a must stop for many.
I hope you
liked what we had to offer in this issue. Your
comments and suggestions
are always welcome. When you come
across something funny or informative and in good
taste, please send it along. I would love
to include it with your name and our
thanks.
May 2007 bring you all
you hope for and much more.
Make it a
good week, talk to those you love, and come back
soon.
Joanne
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Joanne L. Gardiner,
Broker
e-PRO RealtorŪ
Advantage
Realty
Clock Tower Commerce
Center
3205 Whipple
Road
Union City, California 94587
(510)
429-4800 |
Our primary services in
the San Francisco Bay Area are:
East bay real
estate, Hayward real
estate, Castro Valley real estate, Danville
real estate, Dublin real estate, Fremont real
estate, Newark real estate, Niles real
estate, Pleasanton real estate, San Leandro
real estate, San Lorenzo real estate, San Ramon
real estate, Sunol real estate and Union
City real estate. Peninsula real
estate, Palo Alto real estate, Foster City
real estate, San Mateo real estate, San Carlos real
estate, Burlingame real estate, Belmont real estate,
Half Moon Bay real estate
Types of real estate in
which we specialize: houses,
condominiums, townhomes, garden homes, PUDs, single
family homes, mobile homes, module homes, duets,
residential income property, duplexes, tri-plexes,
four-plexes, small apartment complexes and special
use properties.
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