This Week's Coffee Break February 11, 2007 Welcome to Coffee Break ... For those of you following my daughter's efforts to raise money for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society I hope you will get behind her and make a donation. While she has raised more than $2,600 so far, she only has until March to meet her goal of $6,100. Your tax deductible donation of any amount will be greatly appreciated not only by me and Leanne, but by those stricken with these dread diseases.  We welcome your participation in Coffee Break. Send us your jokes, trivia, things to ponder, tips and noteworthy items.  If you have a suggestion of something you would like to see here, be sure to let us know that, too. Take care, Joanne Your San Francisco Bay Area Real Estate Broker     Special Announcement ...     "Fetch-A-Gift" Basket Custom-made Gift Baskets For Pets Valentine's baskets for your dog or cat start at $25 each Custom-made gift baskets for pets, for any occasion, any budget.   Can ship anywhere in the United States.  Order Now for Valentine's Day!   “Make a dog or cat happy today! For more information, visit: www.fetchagiftpetbaskets.com Or email Sonya at: sonyav@comcast.net    Now, this weeks Goodies ... Maxine's Living Will  ~ Thanks to Ms. Florence Pierson   I,  MAXINE , being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it, or lawyers / doctors interested in simply running up the bills. If a reasonable  amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:   Glass of wine chocolate Strawberry Daiquiri Martini  Cold Beer chocolate Chicken fried steak cream gravy Mexican food chocolate French fries Pizza chocolate ice cream cup of tea Sex  or  Chocolate     It should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.   Custody case  ~ Thanks to Mr. John Lopez A 7-year-old boy was at the center of a Dallas courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.     The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.     The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her.     When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.     After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.     After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Dallas Cowboys, whom the boy firmly believes, are not capable of beating anyone.     Don't worry ~ Thanks to Mr. Jim Knudsen To my darling husband,    Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway.  Fortunately it was not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry about me.    I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.  The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.   I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart.    I am enclosing a picture for you. I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.    Your loving wife.    P.S. Your girlfriend called.   The Bathtub Test ~ Thanks to Ms. Sandra Freitas It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started. During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No." said the Director,   "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"     Senior Bumper Sticker ~ Thanks to Ms. Florence Pierson   Fox Hunt ~ Thanks to Ms. Barbara Jones When you are in deep trouble look straight ahead, keep your mouth shut, and say nothing ...   Valentine's Day ~ Thanks to Prairie Home Companion A woman was taking a nap on Valentine's day afternoon. After she awoke, She told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a gorgeous necklace for Valentines Day! What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight." he said. That evening, her husband came home with a small package for her. Thrilled, she opened it and found a book titled "The Meaning of Dreams."   Tech Support ~ Thanks to Mr. Richard DeBiaso Dear Tech Support:   Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.   In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activities, such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Going To The Pub 7.5, and Softball 3.6   I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my other favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0.   Please help! Thanks, Troubled User..... _____________________ REPLY: Dear Troubled User:   This is a very common problem that men often complain about.   Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0 . It is impossible to uninstall, or purge, the program files from the system once installed.   You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings: Alimony-Child Support . I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application Yes Dear 2.7 to alleviate your program problems.   The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance! Wife 1.0 does come with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5, and Do Bills 4.2   However, be very careful how you use these programs Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software.   I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 -- WARNING! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!   Best of luck, Tech Support      Senior Bumper Sticker ~ Thanks to Ms. Florence Pierson   25 years of marriage ~ Thanks to Mr. Jim Knudsen A husband and wife go to a counselor after 25 years of marriage. The counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 25 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on.  Finally, the counselor gets up, walks around the desk, embraces the wife and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.The counselor turns to the husband and says, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?" The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play Golf."   Smack the Penguin ~ Thanks to Mr. Jim Knudsen This one could keep you occupied for hours.  It's certainly a way to get rid of your aggression.  This is also really good for improving hand-eye coordination and timing.   So, how far can you smack the penguin? Click to make the penguin jump and then click again, in time to make the polar bear swing the bat to hit the penguin across the ice! Warning: Very addictive! Smack the Penguin Senior Bumper Sticker ~ Thanks to Ms. Florence Pierson Picture of the Week - Thanks to Mr. Mark Colegrave     Thank you for being with us in this new year.  Your contributions make this page a must stop for many.  I hope you liked what we had to offer in this issue. Your comments and suggestions are always welcome.  When you come across something funny or informative and in good taste, please send it along.  I would love to include it with your name and our thanks.  May 2007 bring you all you hope for and much more. Make it a good week, talk to those you love, and come back soon. Joanne Joanne L. Gardiner, Broker e-PRO Realtor® Advantage Realty Clock Tower Commerce Center 3205 Whipple Road Union City, California 94587 (510) 429-4800 Our primary services in the San Francisco Bay Area are: East bay real estate,  Hayward real estate, Castro Valley real estate,  Danville real estate, Dublin real estate, Fremont real estate,  Newark real estate, Niles real estate, Pleasanton real estate, San Leandro real estate, San Lorenzo real estate, San Ramon real estate, Sunol real estate and Union City real estate. Peninsula real estate, Palo Alto real estate, Foster City real estate, San Mateo real estate, San Carlos real estate, Burlingame real estate, Belmont real estate, Half Moon Bay real estate Types of real estate in which we specialize:  houses, condominiums, townhomes, garden homes, PUDs, single family homes, mobile homes, module homes, duets, residential income property, duplexes, tri-plexes, four-plexes, small apartment complexes and special use properties.