November 11, 2007

Veterans Day ~ November 11th
And every day of the year at joannegardiner.com
 
Click image to visit our Veterans Day Tribute

Public Service Announcement ~ Thanks to Ms. Florence Pierson

Put your car keys beside your bed at night. If you hear a noise outside your home or someone trying to get in your house, just press the panic button for your car. The alarm will be set off, and the horn will continue to sound until either you turn it off or the car battery dies.

This tip came from a neighborhood watch coordinator. Next time you come home for the night and you start to put your keys away, think of this: It's a security alarm system that you probably already have and requires no installation. Test it.

Lawyer Humor  ~ Thanks to Ms. Barbara Jones

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Porsche Carrera GT in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along too close to the curb and completely tore off the driver's door.

Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind

the Porsche, his lights flashing. But, before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically about how his Porsche, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how hard the body shop tries to make it new again. 

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are,"  he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!"

 "OH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer.  "My Rolex!"      

After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman's nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry.

"Is this your husband?"

He nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" He continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" He inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no!  You are so hot when you're jealous," she answers.

"Well, who in the heck is he, then?"  He demands.

She whispers in his ear, "that's me before the surgery"

Italian Grandma

An Italian grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson, Anthony, who is coming to visit with his wife, Maria.

Puppy With a Heart  ~ Thanks to Ms. Barbara Jones

A puppy has been born in Japan with a heart-shaped pattern in his coat.

Shop owner Emiko Sakurada said it was the first time a puppy with this mark had been born out of a thousand she had bred.  She had no plans to sell  the puppy, which has been named "Heart-kun."

How to Detect a Mental Deficiency

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"

"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track."

"What sort of question?"

"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'

The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."

Why We Love Children ~ Thanks to Mr. Jim Knudsen

1) NUDITY - I was driving with my three young children one w arm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

2) OPINIONS - On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

3) KETCHUP - A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

4) MORE NUDITY - A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

5) POLICE # 1 - While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?"

"Yes," I answered and continued writing the report.

"My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask th e police. Is that right?"

"Yes, that's right," I told her.

"Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"

6) POLICE # 2 - It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked.

"It sure is," I replied

Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

7) ELDERLY - while working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

8) DRESS-UP - A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."

"And why not, darling?" 

"You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."

9) DEATH - While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said:
"Glory be unto the Faaather and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes."

10) SCHOOL - A little girl had just finished her first week of school.  "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother.  "I can't r ead, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

11) BIBLE - A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.  Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.

"Mama, look what I found," the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear?"

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear."

"Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC., and those politicians deducted $95 in taxes."