September 2, 2007 Maya Angelou's Best Ever Poem ~ Thanks to Ms. Jackie O'Donnell A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ... enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own, even if she never wants to or needs to... A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ... something perfect to wear if the employer, or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour...   A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ... a youth she's content to leave behind.... A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ... a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her old age...   A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ... a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra...   A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ... one friend who always makes her laugh... and one who lets her cry...   A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ... a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family...    A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ... eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal, that will make her guests feel honored...   A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ... a feeling of control over her destiny...   EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW ... how to fall in love without losing herself..   EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW ... how to quit a job, break up with a lover, and confront a friend without; ruining the friendship... EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW ... when to try harder. and when to walk away... EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW ... that she can't change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents.. EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW ... that her childhood may not have been perfect ... but it's over ... EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW ... what she would and wouldn't do for love or more ... EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... how to live alone... even if she doesn't like it... EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW ... whom she can trust, whom she can't, and why she shouldn't take it personally ... EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW ... where to go ... be it to her best friend's kitchen table ... or a charming inn in the woods ... when her sou l need s soothing ... EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW ... what she can and can't accomplish in a day ... a month ... and a year. Kermit ~ Thanks to Mr. John Lopez   Aint it the truth! ~ Thanks to Ms. Sandra Freitas Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement. The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week. The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled for a month from then. Why the different treatment for the two patients? The FIRST is a Golden Retriever. The SECOND is a Senior Citizen. Next time take me to a vet!   My Candidate for President in 2008 ~ Thanks to Ms. Barbara Jones Here we are already discussing the future President of the United States in the Year 2008. Well, I have my own candidate and I'm sure that once you know who I'm voting for, you will also agree. MAXINE FOR PRESIDENT! Maxine on "Driver Safety" -- "I can't use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for making gestures." Maxine on "Housework" -- "I do my housework in the nude. It gives me an incentive to clean the mirrors as quickly as possible." Maxine on "Lawn Care" -- "The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless." Maxine on "The Perfect Man" -- "All I'm looking for is a guy who'll do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away. Or wait nearby, like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed." Maxine on "Technology Revolution" -- "My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody in the butt twice." Maxine on "Aging" -- "Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the salt accompanies a Margarita." The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket. To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have millions of old ladies running around with multiple tattoos and pierced navels? Money can't buy happiness -- but it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than a Kia. After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching somewhere ... you may be dead.   Acts 2:38 ~ Thanks to Mr. Jim Knudsen An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services, when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: "Stop! Acts 2:38!  (Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ, so that your sins may be forgiven.) The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there?  All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you." "Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an Ax and Two 38s!"   Family Album ~ Thanks to Mr. John Lopez Donation ~ Thanks to Ms. Florence Pierson 'I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this Church.' The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, 'Sir,what seems to be the problem here?' 'There is no damn problem,' the man says. 'I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money. ' 'I see,' said the pastor. 'And is this old-bitty giving you a hard time?'   Trivia Lovers ~ Thanks to Ms. Linda Jo Bruton 1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends 2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward? 3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables? 4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside? 5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle? 6. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters " dw" and they are all common words. Name two of them. 7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at least half of them? 8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh. 9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter "S." Answers To Quiz: 1. The one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends ... Boxing 2. North American landmark constantly moving backward ... Niagara Falls (The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.) 3. Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons ... Asparagus and rhubarb. 4. The fruit with its seeds on the outside ... Strawberry. 5. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle? It grew inside the bottle. (The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the entire growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.) 6. Three English words beginning with dw ... Dwarf, dwell and dwindle. 7. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar ... Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses. 8. The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh ... Lettuce. 9. Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning with "s" ... Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts.   Jessica the Hippo ~ Thanks to Mr. Jim Knudsen Watch this video clip about the amazing hippo named Jessica. A Day with Jessica   News Flash -- Very Serious!  ~ Thanks to Ms. Barbara Jones This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America 's supply of convenience store managers.  And if this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell and AOL customer service reps and then Motel 6 managers. Folks, it's getting ugly!   Presidential Library ~ Thanks to Ms. Sandra Freitas CRAWFORD, TX -- A tragic flood this morning destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush. The flood began in the presidential bathroom where both of the books were kept. Both books have been completely destroyed. A presidential spokesman said the president was devastated as he had almost finished coloring the second one. The White House tried to call FEMA but there was no answer.   Little Johnny ~ Thanks to Mr. John Lopez Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him." Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"   -----   Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"   His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.   Johnny, looking worried and said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom." Brave Man Jokes ~ Thanks to Mr. Jim Knudsen What's the definition of the bravest man in the world? The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of perfume, then slaps his wife on the backside and says: "You're next, fatty." ----- A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?" She answers, "I'm moving to London . I heard prostitutes there get paid £400 for doing what I do for you for free." Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too I want to see how you live on £800 a year." ----- A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: 2 quarts of low fat milk, a dozen eggs, 2 quarts of orange juice, a head of lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a large can of ground coffee, and a pound package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,"You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the Drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "Cos you're so ugly."   Slip of the tongue ~ Thanks to Ms. Florence Pierson  A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation ... no one wants him to leave.    Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and proclaims, "If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!" The congregation sighs in relief and applauds.    Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, "If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!" More sighs and loud applause.   Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the Preacher stays, ... I will give him sex!"  There is total silence.    The Preacher, blushing, asks her, "Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?"    Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies ..."Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said ... "Screw the Preacher!"   Immigration ~ Thanks to Mr. John Lopez  A few years ago someone browsing through the 40th Anniversary Issue of Reader's Digest (dated Feb. 1962) came across this reprint from the Washington News and found it quite interesting in light of our current debates. The quote reads: Vice President Lyndon Johnson received the following message from a Native American Indian Chief on a reservation: "Be careful with your immigration laws.  We were careless with ours. "  Native American Observation Recently an old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a Ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U. S. Government officials sent by the President to interview him.  "Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years.  You've seen his wars and his technological advances  You've seen his p rogress, and the damage he's done."  The Chief nodded in agreement.  The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?" The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it.  No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all work, medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex."  Then the chief leaned back and smiled.  "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."   The Giraffe ~ Thanks to Mr. John Lopez If  you stare at this picture long enough you  should be able to see a giraffe.  This is weird. Give it a try.     Pictures of the Week  ~ Thanks to Mr. Jim Knudsen You might be a red neck if you own any of these: Before you go, remember your comments, suggestions, and contributions are  always welcome.   When you come across something funny or informative and in good taste, please send it along.  I would love to include it with your name and our thanks.  I leave you to ponder what a good friend of mine shared with me:  "The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the best of everything that comes along their way." Make it a good week, be happy and and come back soon. Joanne Joanne L. Gardiner, Broker e-PRO Realtor® Serving the San Francisco Bay Area since Fido was a pup! Advantage Realty Clock Tower Commerce Center 3205 Whipple Road Union City, California 94587 (510) 429-4800   Our primary services in the San Francisco Bay Area are: East bay real estate,  Hayward real estate, Castro Valley real estate,  Danville real estate, Dublin real estate, Fremont real estate,  Newark real estate, Niles real estate, Pleasanton real estate, San Leandro real estate, San Lorenzo real estate, San Ramon real estate, Sunol real estate and Union City real estate. Peninsula real estate, Palo Alto real estate, Foster City real estate, San Mateo real estate, San Carlos real estate, Burlingame real estate, Belmont real estate, Half Moon Bay real estate Types of real estate in which we specialize:  houses, condominiums, townhomes, garden homes, PUDs, single family homes, mobile homes, module homes, duets, residential income property, duplexes, tri-plexes, four-plexes, small apartment complexes and special use properties.

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